Simon vs the Homo Sapiens Agenda by Becky Albertalli Review

WARNING: THERE MAY BE SPOILERS BELOW

“People really are like houses with vast rooms and tiny windows. And maybe it's a good thing, the way we never stop surprising each other.”- Simon vs the Homo Sapiens Agenda, Becky Albertalli

Sixteen-year-old and not-so-openly gay Simon Spier prefers to save his drama for the school musical. But when an email falls into the wrong hands, his secret is at risk of being thrust into the spotlight. Now Simon is actually being blackmailed: if he doesn’t play wingman for class clown Martin, his sexual identity will become everyone’s business. Worse, the privacy of Blue, the pen name of the boy he’s been emailing, will be compromised.

With some messy dynamics emerging in his once tight-knit group of friends, and his email correspondence with Blue growing more flirtatious every day, Simon’s junior year has suddenly gotten all kinds of complicated. Now, change-averse Simon has to find a way to step out of his comfort zone before he’s pushed out—without alienating his friends, compromising himself, or fumbling a shot at happiness with the most confusing, adorable guy he’s never met.

So I finally read this extremely hyped up YA novel. I don't avoid these, per say, I just don't read them until I feel like I'm in the right mental state to read them. Sometimes this works out, mostly it doesn't. But I was in a good state when it came to reading popular books, since last month I read and enjoyed books like Adam Silvera's latest with a long-ass title, and Tana French's insanely popular adult crime novels. So with all that I went into Simon vs the Homo Sapiens Agenda, a title I actually hate because it's long and doesn't flow well at all. I'm not against long titles- after all, I love titles like The Tsar of Love and Techno and Tell the Wolves I'm Home, but those have a nice rhythm to them. This title just felt contrived, and I want to avoid typing it as much as possible.

But enough title bitching, let's get on with it, shall we?

This was one of those "relatable" teen novels. To me, it read like an older person, probably a mom, was trying to show how "down with the kids" she was. Every time I read "I can't even" I cringed. And the humor, oh my God. Becky Albertalli is trying way too hard to appeal to the teenage crowd. The humor in this book got more eye rolls than any other reaction from me. 

All the characters also fell under the dreaded "relatable" disease. Seriously, they were tailor-made to appeal to the teenage bookworm audience. Our main character was a theater kid, who is obsessed with Larry Motter (or is it Barry Pogger?), one of his best friends loves classic rock and plays guitar, the other is an anime freak (with a supposedly dry, deadpan sense of humor), and everyone in his friend group is apparently an AP kid, despite that fact that none of them seem that smart or even take AP classes or talk about them at all- I was an AP kid in high school, and I swear half the conversations I had were about what grade I got on that test-essay-whatever and the injustices of our teachers assigning something after the first week of May. Also, apparently Simon considered himself a "cynic". Because I suppose being cynical is cool now, amiright? I think of all the characters I'd probably get along with Alice the least- I could see myself biting my tongue and holding back a lot eye rolls as she bitches about people calling girls bitches. My thoughts on this are as follows: if you're a bitch, I'm calling you one, and if you tell me not to than you're a bigger one. No different than calling a guy a dick in my opinion, and unless you want to lecture us all on when to call someone a dick you don't have an argument. People like Alice get under my skin. I'd like Nora the most I think. 

But can we take a minute to talk about the parents? Seriously, trying too hard. They are probably the most cringe-worthy parents I've ever read. I mean, they make a holiday out of watching The Bachelor? I could tell that Albertalli aspires to be parents like them, and they just ended up annoying me. The thing that kills me is that all their kids seem perfectly comfortable with their parents, when in reality in my parents acted like them I wouldn't take them anywhere because they'd be too embarrassing. 

I feel like most of this book was a study in over and under reactions. Seriously, if another student was trying to blackmail me, I think I'd go to administration and raise hell, not go along with it. Simon also had a weirdly calm reaction to it, too, and have the time didn't even seem any more than mildly annoyed that he was being blackmailed. Later he gets wasted after going out to some gay bar and his parents rip him a new one, as they should. But because he yells at his dad for making gay jokes (yet he made like two and both weren't that bad), so they basically released him from all punishment. Also, I think Albertalli just had to create some kind of friendship conflict in there, so she made Abby be mad at him for "interfering with her love life", yet she showed no concern for him being blackmailed (he also didn't interfere with her love life very much). It was a canned conflict, and believe me it felt like one. And at one point- this wasn't necessarily an overreaction, it was more unrealistic- a group of guys harasses Simon for being gay by having one of them wear a skirt and the other hold up a sign saying "what what in tha butt" or something stupid like that. This is at drama practice, by the way. Sure, gay kids are bullied, but Albertalli is trying to tell me that a group of probable burnouts are that invested in harassing a gay kid that they actually find a skirt, make a poster, and stay after school specifically to bully him. No. In real life, Simon would probably get made fun of, maybe, or get fag written on his locker in permanent marker, but not that.

The writing also just wasn't that great, and half the time I think this book lost the plot. Seriously, I kept forgetting about the blackmail thing because it was barely in the book. And the emails drove me crazy- do we really need that much fluff? At one point I could have sworn that Albertalli was sponsored by Oreos because she mentioned them like 10 times in two pages. But hey, teens like those Oreo things, right? 

A few other, maybe more nitpicking things before I conclude. Along with a bonus writing lesson, because haven't had one of those in a while. There is a very minor character named, get this, Carys. The reason why I remember it so well is because I spent a good minute trying to figure out how to pronounce her name. Car-ys? Care-is? Chris? Ca-ris? And for such an insignificant character, too. I think the Care-is pronunciation is my favorite because it reminds me of the movie Better Off Dead and that woman who tries to teach the French exchange student how to pronounce Christmas. Care-is-mas. So, tip to all writers, it's okay (though frowned upon) to give a bizarrely spelled name to a major character, but not a character that's in the book for two fucking minutes. It's jarring, and forces us to remember a name that's not even that important, anyway. In three years, when I look back at this book, the only name I'm going to remember is Carys. Also, 3d ultrasounds aren't that weird. What's weirder, though, is that this was the third time in two days I heard reborn baby dolls referenced. Lastly, "impressively realistic" and "manga style". Make up your mind as to which it is. 

My final thoughts? Well, wasn't that cute. And relatable. Quick, someone find me a spoon to shove down my throat. I mean, I get why this book is so popular, representation and all that shit, but at the same time, I think I should have known that this book wouldn't work for me as well as it worked for other people. But in my defense, I did really enjoy Adam Silvera's work, like I said earlier, so I thought it would be okay. Eh, maybe I would have loved it two years ago. Still, I wouldn't hesitate to recommend it to the audience of YA-loving 14-16 year olds it was clearly written for.

3.5 out of 10